Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:©OFFICEJOKES.NET

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.©OFFICEJOKES.NET

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.©OFFICEJOKES.NET

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.©OFFICEJOKES.NET

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.©OFFICEJOKES.NET

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.©OFFICEJOKES.NET

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.©OFFICEJOKES.NET

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time Allies, then demand their cooperation and money.©OFFICEJOKES.NET

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.©OFFICEJOKES.NET

HMOs, pharmaceutical, and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.©OFFICEJOKES.NET

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.©OFFICEJOKES.NET

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.©OFFICEJOKES.NET

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.©OFFICEJOKES.NET

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving and military records are none of our business.©OFFICEJOKES.NET

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery©OFFICEJOKES.NET

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.©OFFICEJOKES.NET

What Bill Clinton and John Kerry did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.